I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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