I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
