I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
