I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
