So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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