hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
How does it feel to date your dad?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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