Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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