He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
did i just pee glitter
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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