did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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