She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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