My liver just broke up with me...
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
