i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
