I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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