The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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