chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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