The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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