meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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