dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Farmville is her only friend.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
