It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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