Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
