oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
