I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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