I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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