what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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