i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
