dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
