She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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