I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
