dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
