omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
