Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
