two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
How does one acquire holy water?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
