I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize