I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
