she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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