mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
...so i touched it.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
