party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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