What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
