I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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