You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
