Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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