I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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