she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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