Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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