Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
