i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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