Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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