It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
