Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
