Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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