Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
