Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
