god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
