I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
