There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
