my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
