I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
