I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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