i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
