My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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