After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
