You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
