Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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