I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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