I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
